If you’ve ever been to the Carnegie Deli in Manhattan and done any cursory looking around at the headshots on the wall, you might notice the one they’ve got of Woody Allen. it’s not flattering at all. I always thought this was genius. I mean, Woody’s not the best looking mothafucka anyway, but at least with an unflattering headshot, if anyone ever met him after seeing that pic, they could quite honestly say, “You’re much better looking in person.”
A friend of mine once said this to me about Jay-Z after he’d met the man. I wanted to explain to my friend that what he’d been captivated by had been Jay-Z’s star power. The God MC is surely the best combination rapper/MC to ever come down the pipe, but on looks alone, he couldn’t have pulled Moms Mabley, let alone the Queen Bey.
All this leads back to my point: OGs can’t date online
Now, I’m a member of all the OG social networks. Facebook, Twitter, instagram, I even have a Blackplanet account because I used to write for one of their offshoot sites. Anyhoots, this chick had been hitting me up on my Blackplanet page telling me to get a yahoo account so we could chat further. I was like, “Why can’t we chat further here?” So she repeated the same shit. Even worse, it wasn’t like from the pic she had on Blackplanet, she was a stunner anyway. Why the fuck would set up a whole new email account just to chat with a woman I didn’t want?
And more to the point I was hopefully going to make eventually; or, at least, the question I was going to ask: is it understood that the person you’re encountering online is putting their “best foot forward” sending out their best pics, describing their most aspirational attributes and leading you into imagining that this virtual ‘them’ is going to be the exact same ‘them’ that you meet at the coffee shop? Or are you really supposed to believe any of that shit you see or read online? Are you supposed to believe that a 5’8″ surfing/composing model/actress with 2 PHDs one from Harvard, the other from Columbia, who’s fluent in 18 languages, is a licensed chef and works 22 1/2 hours a day volunteering in the Big Sister/mentor program AND has 38-22-44 measurements is not only single, but wants to meet you for the two-doughnut combo?
If I were younger, perhaps, or richer or better looking I might believe it. Hell, when I was younger I was both richer and better looking and actually probably would have believed it. Thing is, when I was younger, meeting women was still a hand-to-hand thing. I would have, in my arrogance, approached said woman with said attributes and would have also been cocky enough, once shot down, to act like there must have been something wrong with her.
And now you can’t even approach a woman on the street. Not that you shouldn’t want to, but the great looking ones come outside not only dressed obscenely provocatively, but also always wearing headphones. You’d have to grab ’em and go into a combination Mike Tyson, Lawrence Taylor thing that almost certainly wouldn’t get you the pussy, but just might land your ass in, if not jail, then definitely court.
So, in today’s climate, online actually looks like the safest bet. Thing is, should I go with the Woody approach and put up the worst pic of me I can find and hope that the kind of woman I’d be interested in could see through my bullshit?
Or am I an astronaut only in town for a couple of nights with a couple billion to burn before my upcoming 18th birthday?