How Racist Are You? Take the Dickie Bhee Test!

Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace is shown in this Oct. 19, 1964 photo speaking in Glen Burnie, Md. at a rally supporting Republican presidential candidate Sen. Barry Goldwater. (AP Photo)

Remember to keep score.

1. You use racial slurs:
a) whenever you’re with your friends of the same race (7)
b) all the time (10)
c) only when they’re in the lyrics of a song you like (3)
d) you never use racial slurs (0)

2. When meeting someone of another race for the first time, you:
a) wonder what they’ll think of you (3)
b) don’t notice that they’re of another race (0)
c) shake hands while wondering what crime they’ve just committed (7)
d) nod warily from a distance, letting them know you’re “on to them” (10)

3. If you’re alone in an elevator with somebody of another race, you:
a) think of places you could hide a body (10)
b) double-check your valuables (7)
c) give off non-threatening body language or make small talk (3)
d) don’t even notice (0)

4. If your favorite team has a star of another race, you:
a) only see the color of the jersey (0)
b) wish you could trade him/her for somebody of your own race with comparable skills (7)
c) resort to racial slurs if he/she blows a play (3)
d) only watch sports where the stars are of your own race (10)

5. If a sexy not-of-your-race member of the opposite gender is hot for you, you:
a) fuck; but fetish it to your friends or don’t tell them at all (7)
b) allow it to change your views (3)
c) be happy to have found love (0)
d) refer that animal to Leviticus 18:23 (10)

6. If someone of another race moves into your neighborhood, you:
a) pick up some lumber and some gasoline for the cross you’ll need to burn (10)
b) move immediately (7)
c) wonder about your property values (3)
d) welcome them with a cake (0)

7. To make America great (again) we’ll have to:
a) live out the promise of freedom for all (0)
b) vote Trump (10)
c) practice “cautious optimism” towards strangers and immigrants (3)
d) close all the borders (7)

8. Segregation:
a) was a “gift” (10)
b) only ever ended in the legal sense (3)
c) let everybody have their own (7)
d) is wrong on every level (0)

9. In order to end racism, we must all:
a) practice socialism (0)
b) be the same race (10)
c) respect each other’s differences (3)
d) assimilate (7)

10. You’re only racist because:
a) every other race is full of monkeys, devils and pigs (10)
b) you’re a student of history (7)
c) your race has you on its team (3)
d) you’re not racist (0)

Here are the scores:
0-25: You rode in on a unicorn.
26-50: Functional, non-dangerous, mostly rational human being.
51-75: You’re probably a member of a group that hates somebody. Maybe even more than one somebody.
76-100: Were you a painter? Then you just kinda got into public speaking?

About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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