I don’t throw pity parties for you jet-black mothafuckas. I’m one of the few brown-skinned niggas that’ll admit that I envy y’all.
The comedy is, of course, that the only folks that really give y’all additional shit about being dark-skinned is other black people.
When dealing with the rest of the world, you have, if you play them right, at least 5 distinct advantages over the rest of us.
That is, again, if you play them right.
1. No one questions your authenticity
Any non-dark-skinned nigga, male or female, can give you at least one historical “What are you?” moment. And when you say, “I’m Black”, they either pretend or are too dense to understand how close you are to killing them so they add, “Yeah, but what else?” Of course, we’re supposed to be flattered that it’s understood that we’re somehow polluted. The dumbest niggas among us will even launch into a detailed history of their entire lineage talking about everything else, while our best and brightest will say, “Just Black.”
2. You can (more) convincingly play dumb.
Don’t knock it. Lincoln Perry made millions during the depression with his Stepin Fetchit routine, all the while working as a journalist for The Chicago Defender. Any military strategist or business mogul will also remark on all the advantages of knowing far more than you let on. Niggas have gone out of the way for eons to prove our intellects to whiteys and I’ve got one question: why? What the fuck does it matter what they think? Moreover, if they think you’re stupid, take advantage of it; and them.
3. You don’t have to share credit
This ties in to 1, but I’ll never forget watching a documentary on Jimi Hendrix, a product of two Black parents, and the documentary makers were talking about his “white” side. I was like what white side? Of course, without the music, he’d have likely just been Jimmy the Nigger Car Thief, but since he’s the greatest guitarist of all time suddenly he’s got a white side? Unbelievable…
4. You’re the one they fetish.
I know a girl; HBCU alum, short, cute, light-skinned, nice ass, huge tits and before she got boo’d, she used to complain that white guys never came on to her. I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not really sure if she actually wanted a white guy, it just always makes us feel good to know when people are interested and here was a whole segment of the population seemingly uninterested. I know this dude, another HBCUer, great looking and dark-skinned. White girls are all over him but he’s never fucked one. His problem? He’s clearly too intelligent! The white girls that want him, wanna get Mandingo’d, not read to. He should refer to Rule 2.
5. You’re more than likely beautiful
Dark-skinned people are almost never “pretty”. “Pretty” is for the light-skinned and white people. Pretty is superficial and surface, whereas beauty, real beauty, is shocking, confrontational and breathtaking. It’s usually only dark-skinned Black people that are beautiful. Don’t get it twisted, one of the reason’s Biggies “Hearththrob never/Black and ugly as ever..” was so hilarious was because it was so true. When done wrong, dark-skinned people can be ghastly. Ya’ll also have the best shot at beauty, tho.
Now go fuck yourselves, you charcoal fucks.