Cam Newton Shows His Ass


It’s fun to watch Cam Newton clown his dindu ass around, throwing for touchdowns, running for touchdowns, Dabbin on fools not wise enough to be Panther fans and all right you’re thinking, just win.

Otherwise you’re just a clown in a world where dindus perform more than they’re paid. And if you’ve been giving us these theatrics for free without winning then you’re the fool. A quarterback doing his own version of the Ickey Shuffle.

But if he wins, well, then he’s Legend. And then all that dancing was simply self-entertainment.

And it was rubbed in our faces if we didn’t like him.

And we loved it if we did like him.

I love it.

I told my uncle about that boy when he was coming out of college.

“Watch for him, Unc,” I said. “He’s big and smart and he can do everything.”

And then I told a quasi-accurate story about how people seemed to be trying to turn Cam against his own father.

“His father must have a good head for business,” Unc said. “They want him out of the way so they can get in your boy’s pockets.”

Cam was a video game his rookie year. I’m writing this on the 7 Train so I’m in no mood for googling stats, but from memory, he set more than one rookie passing record.

Setbacks his second year. The obligatory questions about his intellect, his leadership.

A loss in the playoffs last year.

Now this.

I’m so broke, I don’t have cable. Don’t have wifi. I’ m writing and editing this from the 4 train platform at 42nd St. I missed the Mets in the World Series. This sucks.

But I followed the Giants and Pathers on Twitter.

Cam did it again.

And there’s sure to be the racial  equivalent of a Jack Johsnon fight should Cam take it all the way and meet – who else? – Tom Brady in the Super Bowl.

White People might bring back lynching.

You’d be able to spot a sell out a mile away.

He’d be the one with the Tom Brady jersey on, arguing logically about probability and likelihood. If he has a white girl under his arm, we can dismiss him, but if he’s got a Black chick, we’d better keep an eye on him.

Meanwhile, the leader of the revolution’s in another bar entirely drunkenly screaming, “You pickin’ duh Pate-trots? You muss Bhee outcho muh-fuccin’ myne!”

And I’m rolling with you, Cam!!!…

Unless you face the Jets; then you gotta go down.

With sports it’s Color before color, baby. And the best thing in the wold you could be doing is wearing Green.

But if it’s anybody else, I’ve got Cam’s back.

The only real threat is the one-time champion Seattle Seahawks and quarterback Russell Wilson who, according to a female I know, is playing with balls of another color because of some celibate agreement with fiancée Ciara.

Other than that, it’s smooth sailing.

And Cam, I am not gonna miss seeing you in the Super Bowl.

Which probably means I’m going to have to make some friends.





About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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