Does God REALLY Look Like This?


So it’s another Monday morning and I’m on the train, drifting in and out of consciousness, reading along in my bible before I start my serious reading.

I’m in the book of Numbers. This is one of the most boring books in the whole muhfuccin bible.

God has lost His goddamn mind.

Nigga apparently decided to stop being the Supreme Being and decided to become, for this book at least, some kind of geeky statistician. “Speak ye unto the children of Korath, unto all from the first of the first sons to the second of the first sons…”, that kinda shit.

And Moses?

Why did that nigga get to write five whole books?

Genesis? Ok.

Exodus? Fa sho.

Leciticus? Hmm…

Numbers? Now wait a minute…

And I ain’t even start rereading Dueteronomy yet.

Niggas shoulda brought in a ghost-writer.

God shoulda created Donald Goines a little earlier.

Anyway, I get to the section that starts at Numbers 5:12 and begin reading. Now, I’m fully awake.

Turns out – and I’ma write it in a way that’s least convoluted – if a nigga’s wife cheats, or a nigga suspects his wife of cheating, he can bring her to a priest who’ll put a curse on her, making her drink bitter water with the understanding that if she’s been unfaithful, her leg will rot and her belly will swell, but if she’s been faithful, she’ll be fine and can g’head and have the nigga’s babies or whatever.

Needless to say, I was concerned by the frightening parallels between this idea, witchcraft and outright paganism.

My next thought was, “Well can bitches do the same shit if they think their man’s been slinging cock?”

And that’s the thought I decided to run with.

If I was a bitch, I couldn’t rock with Christianity. I damn sure couldn’t rock with Islam. I pretty much couldn’t rock with any existing religion. I’d hafta invent my own thing.

Worship pudding or some shit.

That doesn’t mean I’d be an atheist. That cake didn’t bake itself.

Still, if you were to consider shit like logic and figure that God is probably the Ultimate Asshole, then it stands to reason that He’d look the most in heaven like what we respect the least on earth.

That being the case, He’s a Black bitch.

I mean, who on earth gets less respect than Black bitches?

Even I’m calling them Black bitches, and I’m a pro-Black feminist when I’m trying to get some pussy!

Worse yet, what if you love Black women but hate Chinks or fags or whatever the fuck you hate; get yo ass to heaven and see God as Bruce Lee wearing a rainbow-colored thong, then what?

Ask this Nigga if you can be excused cause you’d rather be in hell?

Personally, I don’t believe that God has either a race or a gender, but that’s just me.

The white or any man as God ethos bricks because if God were a male, only women should have to get down on their knees to pray while men should be able greet that Nigga with a handshake or something.

But what do I know?

We’ll all find out if there even is a God eventually.

And for all those people that are sure that they know what they know and cannot be moved; I hope you’re right.

About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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