Recently, I had a chance to interview the esteemed scientist Dr. Pangloss Benway from the Vienna Institute of Medical Design.
The following is a transcript:
Dr. Benway, tell us how your studies came about
Benway: Well, I teach a class called “Existentialism: From Bergman to Sartre” and the status of my tenure was due for review. I hadn’t published any papers of late and, I guess you could say, apathy was setting in. So with all, or certainly most things, it was one issue or rather, one student in particular that stoked my curiosity. He was a strikingly hostile student, averse to all discipline and racist in a way inexplicable considering his background and upbringing. I mean, he positively loathed black people despite the lack of daily, weekly, yearly or possibly even any interaction with blacks.
So he hated Black people yet he didn’t know any?
Benway: It would seem so, yes.
And that struck you as odd?
Benway: Well, yes and no. As you can imagine, there are lots of people that loathe what they do not know. In those instances, what they usually loathe is their own ignorance. It embarrasses people not to know certain things.
What made you decide to measure his penis?
Benway: Intuition, you might say. He and I had talked some and as it turned out, he felt he didn’t “measure up” as the saying goes.
Benway: Yes, sexually.
So you measured him and what was the result?
Benway: Well, he was small.
And this led you to conclude?
Benway (laughs): Well, nothing initially. I mean, this was only one student. But it did prompt me to consider a more serious study. So, I crafted a questionnaire with considerable racial overtones and presented it to my male students with the promise of an extra credit bonus should they chose to participate.
And what were the results?
Benway: In the beginning, it was very difficult to get many of them to let me measure their penises. But I curved my tests, making them more difficult and the promise of extra credit more enticing so that over time, I was able to craft my first paper on the subject. As it turns out, the students with the most racist or racially hostile attitudes were the ones with the smallest penises! With a margin for error of about 2%, of course. Penis size being, on average, about 6 inches, the students with much smaller penises were much more racist, as they approached the mean, they were less racist, as they entered the mean or exceeded it, they were, by average, less racist to not racist at all.
Amazing. So we’re left to conclude…?
Benway: That if you’re racist, you’re likely to have a very small penis. And that’s not necessarily an entirely negative thing. Napoleon had a micro penis, and he conquered more than half the world! That might however lend credence to a theory you might have heard as to why he ordered the nose and lips shot off the Spinx in Egypt.
Because they looked too Negro?
But why would a small penis make one racist?
Benway: As you know, the stereotype about blacks is that they all have rather large penises. Now imagine yourself white, having a small penis, yet confronted constantly with the idea that there’s an entire race of men in existence do not share in your predicament. You might hate them as well.
I don’t know if I’d hate them.
Benway: Well, that’s because you’re…. Say, would you mind if I measured…?
Pause, Dr. Benway. Pause.