Ciara Will be the Perfect Wife, The Seahawks Will Win the Super Bowl, Future’s Gonna Become the New Marvin Gaye & Cam Newton’s Gonna Wonder Where Did All the Blue Skies Go


Russell Wilson can suck in bed.

He can have a one inch penis, sandpaper for a tongue, fingers like bike tires and foreplay that includes him pouring a glass of water on his future (pardon the pun) wife’s head to get her “wet”.

Still, it goes without saying and it is without question that when he does tie the knot with Ciara, he’ll be getting the perfect wife.

Notice: I didn’t say the perfect person.

A lot of dudes couldn’t pull off what he’s doing. A lot of men simply don’t have it in us.

Marrying a woman that’s already had another man’s baby, especially when you haven’t had any children of your own, is some superlatively grown man shit.

It’s even got it’s own fan base.

And if you’ve ever been in a relationship that you really expected to make it, really hoped would work and the other party absolutely fucked it up, the one thing you do, almost by atavistic instinct, is make sure that you’re so muhfuccin’ groovy towards the next person that you get into a thing with that when your ex hears about your new heroics, he or she knows for sure of the extent of their stupidity.

I met Ciara once.

How long ago?

Petey Pablo was on a song with her.

I thought she was cute, but she was wearing a hat and rehearsing her dancing so I really didn’t get a chance to appreciate.

Now, seeing her in pictures with Russell Wilson, I’m like, I should have take my shot.

So imagine how Future feels.

And no, let’s not go down that rabbit hole again, the man is a superior musician and let’s not fuck with him, he knows he fucked up, it hurts, and anybody that’s ever had their heartbroken – even if they took a hammer to the shit themselves – knows it never helps to have anybody else, much less us non-pussy getting bloggers, rubbing it in.

I expect a cover from Future of Marvin Gaye’s “Mercy Mercy Me“.

He can alter the lyrics to suit his needs.

And Russell Wilson won’t cheat on Ciara; well, probably not.

The reason he left that semi-dynamite white girl he was married to was because she was allegedly cheating on him with teammate, former Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate.

So we got two amazing catches on the rebound and grabbing each other.

Kinda like if Dennis Rodman and Bill Russell came down in a tie-up.

And if we factor in that the dude made a hell of a comeback against the eventually NFC Champion Carolina Panthers in a year without pussy (because of his religious beliefs), once he gets Ciara (pardon this pun) “riding“, it’ll be over.

Don’t get me wrong.

The Seahawks are gonna miss Marshawn Lynch – who retired this season.

And the question genuinely becomes whether or not Cam Newton was so shell-shocked after apparently forgetting that he actually had to play in Super Bowl 50 and wouldn’t just be awarded a Chip because he had dabbed his way through the regular season, that he’ll be able to come back and make another real run at it next year.

We’ll see.

For Russ however, sex with Ciara, eating that ass and seeing that pretty face every day…

That would make even me feel like Superman.

Imagine what it’s gonna do for a quarterback that’s already won a Super Bowl.

About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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