Gay Paranoia: He Who Smelt it Dealt It



Ever been somewhere with a bunch of people and things are going ok, just getting into the scene and whatnot, settling in, starting to get a feel for the place and some nigga shouts out some shit like, “There sure is a lotta faggots in this muhfucca!”

And you’re like, wait… what?!?

Who even notices that sorta thing?

Guess everybody’s got that one allegedly “straight” friend that’s obsessed with gay people.

Then there’s the dudes that start sizing you up; ready with slander just because you happen to be sexy.

For instance, I was at Planet Fitness last night – because I’m homeless so I’m always at Planet Fitness – and there’s this dude wearing one of those little round kufis on the floor doing yoga stretches and he kinda gives me this “eye”.

Now, I understand that even though I’ve had a membership for almost four years, before I became homeless, I almost never went to Planet Fitness, sticking to a push-up routine and actually running outside so, as with any environment, the sight of a new face may cause some suspicion.

I also thought that since I had climbed the vertical ab-crunch thing – see? I’m so not used to gym equipment I don’t even know the name of shit – right next to some brown-skinned girl and he was one the floor between us, the girl might have been his.

But no, she climbed down after her next set and the fact was, the only reason I was starting with that ab shit was because all the bench presses were taken.

So I did my sets, did get on the bench and went upstairs to get on the treadmill.

So I’m on the treadmill and I look over and there’s little round kufi-guy, but he’s on that skiing shit or whatever it is where your legs slide back and forth, but he’s throwing boxing punches and making sounds like he’s Ray Leonard or something and I’m like, “Oh”, hoping that shit ain’t for my benefit.

Anyway, I finish my 1/2 on the treadmill and go back downstairs and there’s little round kufi-guy again although this time he’s talking to these two bad bitches and LET ME TELL YOU…

I had seen them two before and they were BOTH bad.

And you’ll forgive me for not maturing past Black women; still stuck on them, might die that way, but the light-skinned one was a hard 8, ass and all and the brown-skinned one, that rarest of rare, a fucking solid 10.

Suddenly, my appreciation for little round kufi-guy skyrockets several notches and I’m thinking of ways to befriend this oddball if only for the fringes.

And as I listen to their conversation, it turns out they’re all little more than acquaintances, then I hear little round kufi-guy say something along the lines of, “They got a lotta new dudes around here that seem a little, I don’t know, funny.”

And I was like, “huh?”

And even besides wondering if that was aimed at me – which it probably was – I couldn’t help wondering who’s Mack Tactics involved throwing into question anybody else’s sexuality?

And trust me, it’s not that I cared – I’ve played gay to get pussy (and it’s worked!) – it just made me look at little round kufi-guy a bit differently.

Maybe that was why he was giving me the “eye” when I got up on the ab thing.

Maybe that was why he was showing off his “boxing”.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks” said Shakespeare regarding similar phenomena.

And guys probably protest even more.


About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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