Vegans, PETA Members, Animal Rights Activists & Other People I Wanna Feed to the Pigs


Some time back, I was standing right at the edge of the subway platform when a rat the size of Mercedes Benz strolled over, lit a cigarette and began to try to engage me in a dialogue.

In no mood to chat, I stomped my food hard and loud to rid myself of the aforementioned rat.

Unbeknownst to me, there was a white chick standing near who apparently decided to champion the rat and slapped the shit outta my shoulder.

Now, like I said, I was right at the edge of the platform.

So after teetering off balance for more than one uncomfortable moment, I regained my composure.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked the white bitch in a voice that surprised even me because of it’s calm and even tone.

“You were gonna hurt the rat,” this white nut said defiantly.

“So”, I said through an exhale, “You were gonna kill me to save a rat?”

And I could actually see the lightbulb go off In her eyes.

But here’s the thing: I doubt very seriously that the value of my Nigger life ever surpassed the rat’s in her estimation, it’s just that I think she might have understood that I valued my life more than I valued the rat’s life.

Gotta give her credit for that, I guess.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio wanted to ban the carriage rides that take people – mostly tourists – though Central Park.

Those carriages use horses and horses, if you’ve missed the argument, are being exploited.

Of course, there’s a counter argument by certain animal experts that the horses are happy.

Interestingly enough, left out of the discussion entirely are the horses themselves.

From where I’m sitting, it seems pretty fucked up to put a bunch of humans – the carriage drivers – outta work because some horses may or may not be “happy”.

And this, in a nutshell, is my problem with vegans, PETA members and animal rights activists.

Not that I actually mind the vegans that don’t eat meat-based products for health reasons, I just hate the “moral imperative” ones, the ones that would let their children starve while owning a pet rabbit.

Don’t you know there are human causes y’all could be devoting your energies to?

There’s war, child labor, forced prostitution and slavery going on in this world and you’re wasting documentary YouTube space on my McNugget?

And no, this isn’t an endorsement of anti-animal sadism. Animals should be like women; ignored until you can use them, then used at your discretion and leisure.

And you freak-vegans, the ones that I don’t like; what’s the chance that there’s no such thing as an “inanimate object”?

What if everything in existence has some kind of spirit or soul and, central nervous system be damned, that kelp or kale or wheatgrass or whatever-the-fuck is actually screaming as it goes down your throat only to die hideously consumed by your stomach acids?

What then?

You fucks make no sense.

Until I see jungle lions, snakes, elephants and furs wearing “Save the Humans” t-shirts, splashing red paint on dogs that bite their owners and marching up and down 5th Avenue chanting slogans, I’m gonna doubt you Dolittles are interpreting correctly all the shit those animals are telling ya’ll.

I mean, David Berkowitz claimed he took his orders from an animal too.

But Harvey plead the 5th.

About the Author


Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town.

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