Jon said, “Every sperm cell has a soul.”
I screamed “You lie!” sounding very much like Republican Joe Wilson and terrified because the implications, if true, meant that not only was I doomed to an eternity in Hades, but that I would also go down as the greatest mass murderer in the history of this or any other planet.
Think about it: each ejaculation is worth about 250 million sperm cells. If each of those cells has a soul, that means I’ve left 7.5 billion souls a month dead on both my hands, aside toilets, on bathroom floors and in Planet Fitness showers.
I’ve killed billions while movies played, while doing “research” and once, while I was working at a job that made perfume bottle tops, in a room full of co-workers with my eyes wide open and my mind glued to the image of this girl I’d seen on the track earlier.
Who needs blood on their hands when they’ve got souls on them?
Souls disguised as…
And to think: I’m a by-proxy opponent of abortion.
By by-proxy I mean that while I’m not personally in favor of abortion, I also don’t think that, very much like the Dred Scott case argued in reference to Blacks, a man should have any opinion about what a woman can do with her body that a woman is bound to respect.
How men ever got to legislate the legality of abortion is completely insane.
Women should have long ago snatched exclusive rights to that decision.
Still, who am I to condemn a woman who made the decision to terminate the prospective life of one single soul when, during my lifetime, I’ve already exterminated the souls of more than 29 times the number of people that have ever walked the earth?
And I know, one of them was likely to have been another Hitler, but I’ll betcha I had a Jesus somewhere in there too; as well as a LeBron and a Beyoncé.
And if you wanna keep it all the way real – tho I don’t see why we should start now – it must be argued that religiously, we know that God killed Onan for jacking off, but if you can find a single passage dealing with abortion, you must have written that bible yourself.
So even God don’t fuck with masturbation (pardon the pun).
All this means that if you’re a man and barring the occasional mass suicide due to overcrowding that we’ve come to term a “wet dream”, if you’ve had an orgasm and 249,999,999 of your sperm didn’t die just to give 1 the chance of fertilizing an egg, you’ve literally wasted the potential lives of 250 million.
So add murder to your crimes, Mr. Wanker.
That feeling of shame I’ve always experienced after “taking matters into my own hands” so to speak, makes sense now.
And it’s for far more nefarious reasons than Norman Mailer’s assertion that a real man should have psychic wherewithal to find a genuinely “adequate” disposal for his lusts, it’s because I’ve just wiped out more than 3/4ths of the population of these here United States, then calmly collapsed the page and erased my recent browser history.