Massa O’Reilly Woulda Been Good to His Pickaninnies


Unable to leave alone the truth exposed when Michelle Obama made reference to the fact that the White House, which she currently resides in, was built by slaves, genius, talk show host, pundit, historian, writer, social critic and bon vivant Bill O’Reilly had to chime in with his own position the slaves in question were “well fed and had decent housing“.

O’Reilly knows this, in fact, because of having traveled back in time just to check on these things.

That’s how thorough he is about his.

And while a lot of us would laugh at the implausible absurdity of judging the conditions of a slave’s life and station from any position other than the slave’s, history has literally been littered with men like O’Reilly, great men who, very much like Dr. Doolittle, “knew” the Negro and thus could judge his condition and station far better than he could himself.

The esteemed physician Samuel A. Cartwright was just such a man, and his theories on drapetomania, or the manic insanity which caused some slaves to wish to escape, and dysaethesia aethiopica, or the unwillingness and lack of work ethic among certain slaves, made Dr. Cartwright the preeminent authority on The Negro in his own day.

Similarly, Mr. O’Reilly, whose panoramic comprehension of the human condition even apparently reaches low enough to grasp the peculiar quirks and idiosyncrasies of the Negro, would have certainly, if born 150 years earlier, have made an absolutely terrific slave master.

Not only would Mr. O’Reily have understood inherently that slavery, as an institution, was actually a boon to the Negro, providing work, stability, a sense of family and religion that the Negro would have otherwise never experienced had he been left in the wild and to his own devices, but also Big Bill’s outrageous sex appeal would have made him absolutely irresistible to the slave wenches which, more than likely, it would have occurred to Mr. O’Reilly as some sort of duty to “civilize”.

The only possible issue that could have thrown Mr. O’Reilly into a bit of a quandary would have been the same one that affected no less of a man than Thomas Jefferson; what to do with the unfortunate issue of himself and whichever wenches he felt obligated to “civilize”.

While on the one hand, it would have been certain that said issue could and should never be considered anywhere akin in humanity or civilization to a white man, they also almost certain, and being his in particular, would have had to have been several stations above the Negro.

Perhaps it could have been then Mr. O’Reilly who did what no other in history has ever successfully done; ascribed a reasonable but exclusive place in society for bi-racial people, then known as mulattoes.

Because surely, while this lot could and should never be group among whites, was it fair that their standing was only atop the pile of Blacks?

Its truly sad that we’ll never know.

Sometimes, like Marv from Sin City, certain great men are simply born in the wrong time.

About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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