If you know Stevie Wonder’s catalog – which you should, if you’re not a Goddamned coon, then you know which song I’m quoting when I say that I was “amazed but not amused” that some uber-Black folks out there had taken to labeling LeBron James a “coon” stating his opinion that All Lives Matter.
LeBron: a man that passes the number one anti-coon litmus test: the Black wife.
Very well, I thought. It’s time to compile a “Coon Checklist” just in case there’s still some people out there who aren’t sure where they stand in relation to the level of psychic Blackness necessary not only to confront American racism, but to stand next to any ankh wearing, kufi-and-dashiki clad hotep who, through his chewstick, is ready to spout an anti-you doctrine tailored specifically to fit your shortcomings.
Here we go:
You are NOT a Coon if
- Your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is Black – A Black significant other is the only kind that cannot be acquired without some form of cooning.
- You’re heterosexual – You’ve read Achebe and from him formed the opinion that homosexuality was almost some exclusively Greco-Roman shit and certain West Africans demonstrated their level of comparative advancement when they chased all potential homos from their villages.
- You’re a virgin or married – only a coon would exploit the body of a fellow person of African descent without having first made them “honest”.
- You shop exclusively for Black-made products or at Black owned stores – and if the item you need has no Black producers, you make sure to get it from the company that employs the most Black people. Requires a lot of research.
- You attended a Black college – whether it offers majors in your field of interest or not, nothing compares to matriculating among your people. Why would you want to major in anything not offered at a Black college anyway, you fucking coon!
- You ONLY believe that #BlackLivesMatter – your are indifferent at best, hostile at worse to the concept of other people even being alive. Everybody else has their protectors, you’re here for your own kind.
- You protest, riot an participate in all forms of disobedience, civil and otherwise – the sidelines are for coons.
- You sit down and plug your ears whenever violent or misogynistic Hip Hop plays and you can’t enjoy any form of entertainment that features any Black men or women cooning – or, in other words, you haven’t turned on your television, watched a movie, listened to a song or gone to a party since 1978.
- You never smile – not only is the world a serious place, but you know better than anybody that grinning Negroes put non-Blacks at ease and you firmly believe that all non-Blacks should forever sleep with one eye open. Sometimes, at, like, say, early Katt Williams performances, you bust a blood vessel in your head and die.
- You don’t have your own opinion – rather, you wait until a consensus comes in from across the broader spectrum of Black America and whichever is the most popular way of thinking, you adopt. No need in taking any chances on ending up a coon.
Here’s how you scored: