Since White Jesus and the Christian church has failed us so spectacularly – actually borrowing that expression from that shit that James Baldwin is quoted as saying on the back of Message to The Black Man – it’s time for niggas to get our own religion.
I’ve even got a name: The Ecumenical Church for Niggas that Believe in More than Just Earth.
This is an important step.
I mean think about it: if Henry VIII could start his own shit just cause his wife ain’t give him no sons and divorce was forbidden in Catholicism, why can’t a nigga, or 42 million of us for that matter, start our own shit cause the shit we’re currently working with ain’t giving us no freedom?
So let some nigga like Ta-Nehisi give ya’ll the actual doctrine, I’ll just give you the tenants.
Here they go:
All the prophets got high, so I’ma do that shit too. Fuck your law. That shit ain’t based in morality. Shit, ya’ll once had slavery legal.
The stereotype gets things wrong.
It’s not like niggas don’t wanna get married, it’s just too much ceremony.
Cut that shit down to about 2 minutes, charge niggas $100…
Boom! No more Black babies born outta wedlock.
You can go through with that “traditional” shit if you want to but who would want to?
Divorce, on the other hand, well that would take about 5 minutes.
But it would cost your ass 10 grand so think twice.
3. Negro School
Fuck a Hebrew school.
Little Black kids think history started with “0-100“.
They need to know about Rakim.
And Lewis Latimer.
And some other shit.
4. Devaluation of the material
They say your “third” or spiritual eye closes as you become more and more materialistic.
Well, niggas can’t see shit besides Gucci belts and Jordans.
If self-esteem makes the material less and less important, then beauty would have to be reinforced by putting a gym in the basement of our church for you fat fucks who couldn’t catch the Holy Ghost if you were driving and it was on foot.
5. Female ministers
Or at least some coed shit.
Make no mistake, the reason ain’t that many dudes in the church now is cause niggas are homophobic and the Holy Trinity is all guys.
A father, Son, a Holy Spirit – which we’re gonna presume is a guy too – and no hoes?
Plus, all those male icons, a male pastor and you’re expecting niggas to kneel?
6. Cut the commandments down to 2; nayno on Murder and ixnay on Theft
Fuck both your parents if they suck.
And you can have as many Gods as you want, who gives a shit?
Put them in whatever order you like.
Most importantly, we’d be righting a historical absurdity.
You should never get your shackles and your God from the same source.
Eventually, we’d all be Trump-level tax exempt and ultimately, like the Heebs, we’d create our own police force and be able to self-determine who among us is so foul that he or she should be locked away in a white man’s jail.
No more taking our best and brightest because law enforcement sees their potential as a threat.
We’d believe in each other and see God in ourselves…
Then again, ya’ll ain’t ready.