When I noticed that erstwhile rapper Soulja Boy had turned to Floyd “Pretty Boy” Mayweather to train him for his upcoming celebrity boxing match against R&B star Chris Brown, I immediately realized two things:
- Soulja Boy’s tryna win
- He will win
Because, you see, only someone who’s never boxed would view the obvious disparity in sizes – Chris Brown is 6’1″, Soulja Boy, 5’9″ – and presumed attitudes and think the match will be automatic win for Chris Brown; think that Brown could just come out, go crazy, throw haymakers, knock Soulja out and that would be the end of the fight.
I’m tempted to add that only someone will little real-world fighting experience could think that too because when you account for the fact that a round of boxing is a full three minutes, whereas the average street fight lasts 3-8 seconds, then if Chris were to come out and go crazy versus a Mayweather-trained Soulja, it wouldn’t be long before he found his own ass laying on the canvas, flat, looking up at the ref and the TV cameras and Karrueche, his ex, who Soulja Boy liked a pic of on Instagram, starting all this madness.
So no, Chris Brown better get a real trainer.
And since Mayweather’s been taken – who is, I might add, the best of all possibilities – then bypassing Mike Tyson (who I hear he has chosen but who I think is a bad choice and I’ll explain why) I’d go with George Foreman.
Now, why George Foreman?
Simply because Big George has been in against everybody except Mike Tyson and by everybody we’re talking from Muhammad Ali, to Joe Frazier, Ken Norton, all the way up to Michael Moorer and Evander Holyfield.
Moreover, since Chris Brown will have the height and weight advantage that Foreman, at 6’4″, had over most of his opponents – thereby making training by the 5’10” Tyson less appealing – Foreman’s ability to lean on an opponent to tire him out then bang him hard to the body and head will be the only possibly successful strategy against a Mayweather-trained Soulja; Mayweather being the defensive master who specialized in evasively giving his opponent nothing to hit while coming in at fast, random and even awkward intervals to pop the shit out of his never prepared foes.
And I know what you might be thinking; even with Mayweather as a trainer, Soulja Boy will still be Soulja Boy and get his ass knocked out.
Well, consider this: say all of a sudden you found yourself a practice dummy for The Cleveland Cavaliers and each day, for about a month or so, you had nothing but a steady diet of guarding either LeBron and Kyrie.
Would this work make you NBA-ready?
But when you hit the courts to play a regular game of streetball with your friends again, you’d be the fucking man.
They wouldn’t have anything for you.
You’d be able to shut them down and score against them at will.
It would be like playing against children.
Similarly, after Soulja Boy has been in the ring for a month or however long he gets to train with Mayweather, you think Chris Brown’s Rihanna-boxing ass is gonna be able to do anything with him?
I mean, shit, look at what just fucking around with Floyd has done for Justin Beiber.
So, to avoid the epic embarrassment of not only fighting Soulja Boy (formerly) Tell’Em, but losing to him, Chris better get a real boxing trainer and, like I said, he should settle for nothing short of Big George.