Nike’s Message to Chubby Chicks: Get Fat & Die Buying


Ever notice how every NBA team has, like, 30 different uniforms?

They’ll have their standard home and aways, then shit with sleeves, alternative colors, throwbacks to when the team had another name or played in another city, all kindsa shit.

Then, like, if a team plays on Christmas, it breaks out some even more absurd shit, Christmas colors with leggings maybe and possibly Jesus on the cross in the place of the NBA logo.

All that’s because back in ’96, during the NBA’s 50th season, the league fucked around and issued a series of throwback uniforms just to be commemorative.

Then they noticed something strange: people wanted to buy them shits

Similarly, I don’t mind Nike hustling fat chicks – probably anymore than fat chicks mind being hustled – but if I were a fat chick, I’d be a little more than insulted that Nike was doing it under the guise of an almost altruistic lifestyle option and not just a profit-motivated fashion play.

Understand; there are four (4) types of people that are only bullshitting about going to the gym to get in shape:

1. The ones that need workout partners
2. The ones that need to tell everybody
3. The ones with no specific goals
3. The ones that need to go shopping first

Getting in shape is such a personal decision that often your “gym friends” aren’t people you’d even know under any other circumstance.

You only know them because you go to the gym everyday at the same time and so do they.

However, if your motivation is so low that you can’t even move without being assured that somebody else is also moving, you’re doomed from the door.

What happens on the days when they’re sick or on vacation or just don’t feel like it?

You’re also fucked if you gotta be all up in people’s faces, all up on social media talking about how you’re hitting the gym.

You post pics – grimace firmly in place – you show yourself on various machines, and of course, there’s the obligatory pic of you smiling and flexing your biceps.

Once the nuance wears off, you’re probably long gone.

Screwed too are those that just want to “get in shape” but have no target weight and no target waist size.

How will they know when they’re there?

And of course, when you’re really serious about getting in shape, you hit the gym in what you already own.

You may do some spot shopping as your workouts progress, but the first few days are all back-of-the-closet.

If you’ve gotta go shopping before you even start to work out, you’re going to the gym to get “cute” and not to get in shape.

The gym then because some kind of sweaty potential single’s bar.

The oxymoronic reasoning that would induce someone to shop before starting to work out refuses to consider that once in shape, the clothes that you first bought will no longer fit.

That’s why savvy chicks that plan on losing weight buy new clothes a few sizes too small.

So no, what Nike’s doing by coming out with its new plus-size line is capitalizing on the fact that nowadays, gym culture’s so mainstream that it’s nothing to see a chick in workout or yoga pants that’s actually on her way to work.

So it’s style after all that you’re going for, Big Girl, and you should be honest with yourself about it because Nike’s damn sure not gonna be.

I mean, I’ve seen millions of people just chilling in Air Jordans.

But I’ve only seen (in person) the real Jordan playing basketball in them shits twice.


About the Author

Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town. Also:

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