If you thought arranged marriages were a Western thing of a few centuries ago and only existed now in Third World countries, think again.
Cause there’s no way in fuck that two greedy, grizzly, sloppily opportunistic parents like LaVar Ball and Kris Kardashian are gonna let potentially the greatest marketing possibility of all time pass them by.
Each has got exactly what the other wants: Kris has got white girls – and that one child with a penis; whatshisface – and LaVar’s got Black boys.
And while, like I wrote, LaVar wouldn’t let his sons touch a Black girl because he’s probably convinced that Black girls are all ugly, inferior money-grubbing monkeys, Kris wouldn’t let her daughters touch a white boy because she probably thinks white boys are too smart and that she might not be able to manipulate one.
Also, by now Kris has come to the conclusion that Tyga, Kylie’s current love thang, has come to the end of his doomed-to-be-short-anyway rap career whereas Lonzo Ball is just getting started.
So with visions of Big Baller Brand-outfitted Kardashians and yet another basketball playing Negro-sucker in their respective heads, LaVar and Kris will make sure that it’ll be Lonzo & Kylie!
At least for a while.
At least for a photo op.
At least long enough to make headlines.
In the Film Noir version of this tale, Kris, who’s currently single, goes ahead and bumps off LaVar’s wife Tina and gets herself a man.
Where have you gone, Barbara Stanwyck?
Now, I know it looks like I’m contradicting myself about always supporting Black businesses when I won’t even go out and buy a pair of Big Baller Brand sneakers.
And it’s not only because the price of Big Baller Brand sneakers is laughable at $495 a pair.
The thing is, I don’t wear basketball sneakers.
LaVar Ball, who came up with Big Baller Brand footwear, seems to be, like the Brand Jordan, a subscriber to what I call the Dumb Nigger Theory of Economics.
The sole tenet of the Dumb Nigger Theory of Economics is never underestimate the ability of niggers to find new and creative ways to waste money.
And this theory is in play whenever you see some bus-riding kid wearing a $500 belt, or when you see some OG that can barely walk – outfitted with a cane and everything – in a pair of Jordans.
Now, at my gym, you’ll see literally nothing but niggers and spics, the kind of people you know for damn sure own Jordans but Jordans are always the one pair of sneakers you don’t see.
Why is that?
Well, two reasons:
First, Brand Jordan seems to be deliberately ignoring running shoes; the largest athletic brand category.
Second, Brand Jordan, chief subscribers to the Dumb Nigger Theory of Economics, has successfully been able to convince Jordan wearers that once a pair of Jordans becomes as much as scuffed, they’re completely worthless.
This makes Jordan wearers, of course, perpetually hafta buy new Jordans.
And this idea is as alien to runners as that shit Sigourney Weaver had to fight.
In fact, if this idea were more alien to runners, Donald Trump would be actively tryna get it deported.
A banged up pair of running shoes is a badge of pride among us.
And even though I never paid more than $79.99 for a pair of running shoes, if Lavar came out with running shoes that had a price somewhat reasonably outrageous like $150, I’d support the nigga.
And praise the sneakers from the mountaintops if they delivered.
And denounce them to everybody I passed if they sucked ass.