The Celtics Should Draft Lonzo Ball Just to be Assholes

In what has to be the worst showing of gamesmanship ever, the Boston Celtics are actually bowing to the dictates of an untried, unwashed 19 year-old and his lunatic father, while having the gall to announce – as if it’ll get them sympathy or some shit – that said, er, “prodigy” won’t even work out for them.

What is the world coming to?

Now, don’t get me wrong, on one level, it warms my Negro heart to see a Black man like LaVar Ball dictate to not only the mighty Boston Celtics but to the entire NBA what team he fully expects his son, UCLA’s Lonzo, to wind up playing for via draft; the hometown LA Lakers.

But the Lakers have the 2nd pick.

And it’s because the Boston Celtics have the 1st pick and could, not only in theory but in practice take whoever the fuck they want that if I were Boston GM Danny Ainge, I’d take Lonzo just to be an asshole.

Make no mistake, the differences in the talent levels between Lonzo – who’s naturally projected to go No. 2 anyway – and presumptive first overall pick, Washington’s Markelle Fultz, are negligible at best.

The 6’4″ Fultz is a step quicker and a bit better of a scorer, while the 6’6″ Lonzo is not only a better passer and taller, but if we’re to judge by how their respective teams fared last season, a bit better of a leader as well.

Still, those kinda differences don’t amount to much.

I mean, it’s almost kinda like the Jordan draft where Mike went third to the Bulls after Hakeem – then Akeem – Olajuwon went to the Rockets and Sam Bowie went to the Trailblazers but before Sam Perkins went to the Dallas Mavericks and Charles Barkley went to the 76ers.

Jordan was arguably the best player in that draft, but it’s doubtful that the Rockets ended up pissed and feeling stuck with Hakeem.

And the thing is, it’s lucky the Lakers seem to actually want Lonzo, otherwise the Ball family would have pretty much painted itself into a corner.

By openly campaigning to have Lonzo end up as nothing but a Laker, they’ve left themselves open chicanery which I would fully employ if I were the Celtics.

Want Lonzo? Come up off your pick and also maybe a couple current players I could use like Julius Randle and D’Angelo Russell.

I mean, its’ not like Lonzo has the option that John Elway famously employed when it was looking like he’d end up being drafted by the then-Baltimore Colts.

At the time, Big John said (paraphrasing) “If y’all muhfuccas draft me, I’ll won’t even play football, I’ll play baseball.”

And he had the skills to pay those bills as well, having faced Darryl Strawberry as a pitcher in high school and everything.

It’s not even like Lonzo could pull an Eli Manning who refused to play for the San Diego Chargers, forcing a trade to the Giants or a Kobe Bryant who, drafted by the Charlotte Hornets, forced a trade to the Lakers.

Lonzo’s got (his own) sneakers to sell.

He needs to be in action as soon as possible.

Family business suffers for every day he holds out, every practice he misses and each day he falls further and further behind in the playbook and bonding with his team.

It would only make good business sense for the Celtics to at least threaten to draft him.

That is, of course, unless LaVar counter-threatens relocate the whole Ball family to Boston.


About the Author


Dickie Bhee is a self-styled lunatic, a Renaissance showman, a Class A, Grade A buffoon, a nigga that believes in the greatness of Niggerhood a social gadfly and a genuine Man About Town.

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